Don’t Complicate the Compliment: Boost Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Strengthen Your Relationship This Holiday Season With Simple Positive Moments

Thanksgiving is around the corner, the holidays are about to be in full swing, and relationships are on my mind. This season tends to bring out both the best and the worst in our dynamics: stress, family expectations, travel, and the pressure to “make it nice.” Today I want to talk about something deceptively simple that can help you escape negative cycles. The ideas come from couples therapy and relationship counseling, but they apply to any meaningful relationship.

Small Steps, Big Impact: Strengthening Your Relationship

Relationships are hard, but the path to making them better is often easier than we expect. At the heart of every healthy relationship is a foundation of good will and positivity. These are the small moments of connection that accumulate over time. 

Couples therapists often emphasize a straightforward guideline for strengthening relationships: increase the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones.  Focusing on these small, affirming moments can make a noticeable difference, especially during the holiday season when relationship stress tends to rise.

The 5:1 Ratio That Changes Everything

If you ask couples researcher John Gottman, he’ll tell you that successful and resilient relationships usually maintain a positivity ratio of five to one. That means five warm or affirming interactions for every one tense or critical moment. By the time many couples arrive in therapy, that ratio is often reversed. Negativity starts to take on a momentum of its own, and partners begin interpreting even neutral interactions as critical or dismissive.

So how do we break out of that pattern? One of the easiest first steps is to intentionally increase the number of small, positive interactions. Think of this as making deposits in the emotional bank account of your relationship.  One of the simplest and most effective deposits is a compliment or expression of appreciation, an essential skill taught in many communication-focused therapy approaches.

How to Give Compliments That Actually Connect

The challenge is that when negativity has taken hold, it becomes surprisingly difficult to offer a clean compliment. Receiving one becomes even harder, because it is easy to hear it as a hidden criticism.

Consider this example:

 “I appreciate that you weren’t a jerk to my mom this Thanksgiving.”

It sounds extreme, but versions of this show up in therapy all the time. It is technically a compliment, but it lands like a dig. It pulls attention toward past failures instead of acknowledging a present effort. Compliments like this keeps couples stuck in the very cycle they are trying to escape.

Compliment With Connection in Mind

So how do we give a better one? The simplest approach is to focus on your own feelings and the positive impact your partner had on you, rather than on what they avoided doing. This is a core principle in healthy communication and emotionally attuned relationships.

For example:

• “I felt supported when you helped out with my family today.”

• “I appreciated how patient you were at dinner. It helped me feel calmer.”

• “It meant a lot to me that you checked in during the visit.”

These kinds of compliments land gently. They stay focused on connection rather than criticism, and they let your partner know that you notice and value their efforts.

Your Last Holiday Relationship Reminder: Keep It Kind

Over time, these small positive moments can shift the entire emotional climate of a relationship. They reduce defensiveness, build trust, and create more room for open conversation. They remind both partners that they are on the same team, a core foundation of healthy partnerships.

As the holidays approach, consider making this a practice. Don’t complicate the compliment. Keep it simple. Keep it sincere. Even small expressions of appreciation can change the tone of your relationship in meaningful ways.

Take the Next Step Toward Healing

If you’re curious about couples therapy, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Sometimes, the first step toward getting unstuck is simply allowing yourself to imagine that change is possible.

-Written by Matt Nitzberg